Don’t we all, at some point in our life feel that its so much easier to die & leave others to grieve us than the other way round. And now that three of my juniors from school have perished in the Pune blasts, it seems all the more real. My thoughts keeping flying to these juniors who spent the same happy yrs like me at our school, the same fields we ran amock, the same absurd rules we had to submit to, the same teachers we wanted the aliens should kidnap…the brother & sister duo have departed as did his girlfriend too.
The trio were acquaintances of my sister, they studied in the same class so when my sister called me & broke the news..esp when she said that the boy had such a promising career at jp morgan,Mumbai after a stint in IIT-kgp, while the sister was a topper in fergusson….i felt so much angst…we all worked hard in school all these yrs, to meet a fate like this?I remem. how rigorous our school was,in terms of academics & how much we were compelled to study. I tried imagining this boy with his girl, way back in school when they must have had a crush which must hv slowly blossomed into love but did the girl know that by saying yes to him, way back in school…would mean a pact with death later? That eventually she would follow him to Mumbai for the valentine’s weekend & he would take her from Mumbai to Pune & that the happy future family of a husband, wife & sister-in-law would never become a reality.
And this is just one of the families whose history I know of, I dread to think of that certain youth both of whose legs are amputed & his friend(girlfriend?) whose one leg is amputated & they saw each other in flames before blacking out. Must have been such a fearful moment, I can imagine the thunderous sound of blast which might have torn their eardrums, kidneys rupturing, vital organs torn from its place, eyes smashed, watching someone in front of ‘em whose head must have rolled out….all in those few minutes before unconsciousness took over. Some of whose hearts must have stopped beating completely at the very shock of it.
The worst victims of which are the parents. I cannot even imagine the magnitude of pain a parent feels on seeing the charred remains of one’s own or worse still,to see one’s own flesh&blood lying cripple forever. The youth snuffed out of a brilliant person who can never live a normal life, never. Until we become parents, we will never know the delicious torment of parenthood. Nothing can hurt a person more than having his child hurt. It is a pain that cannot be described.
Overlapping personal thoughts tap dance in my head & I get panic attacks thinking about my parents. My dad is a highly sensitive & emotional man, add to it extremely high blood pressure…we live in fear 24x7 & I was just thinking, I manage to meet my sister just once every weekend & obviously its always at some mall,café,fine dining stop or a movie…the likeliest places to make a straight shortcut to heaven(or hell, depends what God thinks of our past behavior:P). There’s no way my dad can survive losing both of us at one go & its anyone’s guess, that mom would be anything but the living dead herself. Which means, the terrorists get to kill more than they calculate. They finish a full family.
My sister asked me the last day that what happens to the fb/orkut accounts or the blogs of those who pass away, well its an uncomfortable thought & since I’ve often been warned that I am a black tongue…& they also say, one should never brood/talk about one’s death, that by doing so-you manage to make it come true. Hmmmm.I don’t know about that but all I know is, for the last few years I have died many a deaths just worrying about dying. At times I even feel that its so much better if the whole family perishes together within split seconds. So that you don’t even know what hit you. I often think of the last czar…how terrible he must have felt when his whole family was executed right in front of his eyes, the world’s biggest continent’s king who could not save his son,daughters,wife….just how pained he must have been esp since their only fault was to have been born in the wrong era where the masses felt they’d had enough of the tyrants. To die for the sins of others, how fair is that?
And in an ambience like this, I so don’t feel like being responsible for bringing in a new life form into this world…To become a parent someday & then to fear constantly about losing the most precious thing someday…
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