"Life comes a Full Circle"...She said

Boarding schools, midnight feasts, stealing bull’s eye peppermints from tuck boxes of sworn enemies, pyjama parties,Halloween treats, bullying juniors, making friends smuggle love letters to those ‘cute’ boys ,using mirrors to communicate with the boys staying in the Boys’ Hostel across the valley, perched on the opposite mountain, filling up slam books,exchanging photographs,packing the trunks, boarding the train & finally off…to an Adult world waiting to be discovered. And that is when you realize your wings have been clipped even before you could spread them & take off on your maiden flight. You realize you have to get married to someone, handpicked by your family & before you know it…you are a domesticated hen taking care of your brood. All those sonnet cramming days & Shakespear’s Othello filled evenings seem to get lost in a new rhythm of changing diapers. Skills picked up in making neat section cuts of roots & stems in Botany classes are made use of , in cutting vegetables. All your prize books become the scribbling grounds of the little ones. All the medals you won in relay races, javelin throws seem to turn into rattles overnight. All your merit certificates won through sheer hardwork become breeding grounds for spiders & mites. All your ambitions of a career get swamped by wifely duties that leave u breathless. Days melt into months & months into years & finally it is time for your little ones to fly the nest. After years of keeping them snugly close to your heart, it tears you apart when you let go & yet when they call up & narrate their days in the hostel- smuggling goodies from the Mess & into their rooms, playing pranks on April Fools’ Day, camping on the hostel grounds on winter nights……. Déjà vu…. Its like Life is making you rewind a black & white classic movie in which you are cast & you watch it in slow motion. There you are-Tip toeing across the dormitory & trying to climb the wrought iron gate of the Hostel on a moonless night, to make it for a long drive along with Him but alas! Your cell phone starts ringing & that’s the end of your escapade for a night…..but Wait,yours was not an Era of cell phones & the realization transports u back to your kitchen, where you are listening to your little one relate how she got caught by the guard. You smile at Life for trying hard to return back your youthful days that it had robbed you of. Life seems to come a full circle for you, coz u let your little ones fly with unclipped wings into the azure sky….unhindered, uninhibited …they soar high above the rest, in pursuit of your unfulfilled dreams that still wait for you to catch on. It’s like a merry go round ride you got into –long back…and it got stuck halfway up the way to the sky & took years for you to complete the ride. PS- This one is for you , mom.....

Dont....She said...

Dont flash that fleetingly treacherous Love of yours-that offers me dreams broken in two,promises fragrant of falsehood,Lies in abundance & where keeping in touch is made a colourful mockery of.....

Searching for her ....

"Of Ghostly rains & an abandoned umbrella"...She said...

Of passions lost & passions remembered…… Of Monsoons & ripples of longing that ache to unleash a surging desire.......Of rainy days & wet kisses…..Of thigh high waters clogging lanes & a single purple umbrella being shared by two…..Of traffic being thrown out of gear & closeness under the umbrella…..Of male frogs with virile croaks attracting mates & two hearts on fire, shielded from the world by a pretty umbrella that’s bathed in the colour of passion…..Of street urchins splashing murky water on passers-by & a subtle hungry exchange of glances under the umbrella…..Of paper boats floating by & a raging Lust leaking from the open sky, drop by drop…..Of semi-dry clothes getting soaked on clothes lines on terraces & testosterone running high…..Of rickshawpullers pedaling towards shaded structures & Her clothes clinging to every curve…..Of fathers carrying sons on their shoulders & a blush spreading under an umbrella which is purple…..Of open street vendors running helter skelter with their wares & a proximity that increases inch by inch,second by second…..Of mothers rushing their daughters indoors & two souls trying to prolong their stay outdoors….Of plump rain drops sliding down the glazed windows & the umbrella making its way to a secluded haven…..Of the sky wiped clean of the noisy birds that flew into their nests & rains freezing in mid air ; time pausing ; pin drop of silence, for a minute-as the grip on the umbrella is lost…..Of the wet soil fragrance hanging heavy in the air & burning lips….. Of a July rainshower,an abandoned purple umbrella & bruised lips…. Of ghostly rains & painful memories….

Reminded of those childish squabbles that snowballed into fierce fights.Those silly tiffs that made Him sulk & made me want to tear him apart.Bitter sweet...a tapestry of memories interwoven together.Days of swallowing my pride & holding out the Olive branch of Peace.Days of cajoling Him & calling it quits...to start afresh.Time to move on,For...i am tired of being the One to cajole & pamper everytime,exhausted of being the One to make efforts to flag a New beginning to a Rotting end.Sigh...i shall miss those 'cute' fights & Yet....... 

Should we remain friends?Should we never speak to each other again?Should i hug Her one last time or would She cast Her Magic Spell on me once again...would i fall in love with Her over & over again?Did i bruise Her too much?Would She even want to come back to me again?Would She give me any more chances?Would She want to wait for me anymore at all?Do i want Her THAT bad?Maybe...maybe not... 

While He thinks...shud i release Her from my clutches Or keep Her a prisoner in my Glass House.Do i want a broken soul to play with Or let Life extend its tentacles & apply a soothing balm called Time that may heal Her wounds that i inflicted on Her. 

Where Love took me...into the dungeons of Claustrophobia. 

Claustrophobia....

An oxymoronic situation in my Life...I am caught in a Loveless Love...trapped in a world with Him.
He who never reciprocates ,He who ignores my beseeching gaze, He who neglects, He who deletes me from His mind most of the time, He whose life has no space for me, He who does not like to stay in touch, He who has other priorities in Life.
Crucified on the table of shattered expectations, the nails make me bleed everytime my heart surges with a maddening desire for Him.
Layer by layer , a rich alloy of Disappointment and sadness soldered firmly over my hopes, over me.
My heart went numb, my Lungs screamed for His love, for I had been mummified alive-the coating of unreciprocated love oxidized to a hard oval mustard colored cocoon like structure. My tomb?
Buried alive...buried in a graveyard where His love tripped, chocked on itself and died coughing to death.
An instantaneous death.The doctor would have declared-"A case of clinical death,no hope".

The dead, They say...can never be brought alive.So what am i waiting for??

Is this what I bargained for, on the the first day of the year, two years back, in the biting cold evening of January, when I coyly whispered ‘Yes’ into His ears aching to hear it for months?
Everytime, everytime...i am left stranded midway in the Ocean of Life, while He plunges into the choppy waters, promising me a day when we shall unite.
I cry out, my hands outstretched-‘Love, atleast leave behind the oars’ while He melts into the darkness. He did hear me, no illusions about that,for He has heard me a million times , calling Him back but He has an excuse ready like a bouquet of flowers which He presents me with flourish whenever He meets me. A smooth talker,a glib talker, He says He can never hear me call out to him,the turbulent waters drown my voice.
Oarless I drift aimlessly everytime .
Helpless,angry,bitter tears add value to the cocoonish shell-gooey,semi liquidy,amoebic and wraps around me perfectly, not an ounce of me shows through. I am engulfed by it completely . No skin show. No nudity.Coiled up like a foetus.

Claustrophobia sets in, I feel stifled, I feel lonely inside my Walled City. Trapped...trapped...trapped....in a love where the Lover plays hide and seek-with my feelings, with my emotions, with my time and worst of all-with my soul.

Hot tears skate down my cheeks with alacrity, for mine is an oval face, a face He had once loved for its perfect shape.
Caught in such a devilish enveloped trap, my hands are pinned down to the sides, unable to wipe away these signs of weakness as they flow incessantly .

Rage and pride clasp hands, indulge in a war dance & compel me to break free from the shackles which He had lovingly put around my ankles. Like anklets they adorned my feet, while I dragged my feet through Life...Others approached me, their hearts beating with love but backed out when they saw the heavy shackles that tied me to Him.
******* ********* *********** ************ *********** *******
Something within me cracks.....patience??
My arm thrusts powerfully out of the Loveless Cocoon that breaks with an egg shell like groan in protest.For i want to survive.

My lungs, devoid of love so long ,takes in a gulp of air gratefully....there’s a hint of love in the air...but it is not His...for His love died long back.

I wish that everyone gets a Dad like mine.Here's Wishing The " BeStEsT DaDdY" a Very Very Happy Birthday today. 

Pebble in my shoe! Daddy help.. 

While Fluff & I wait for Daddy...

"
Come home Daddy.
Treacherous roads, no passers by
Stormy nights slapped by lightning.
Moonless sky, robbers delight.

Daddy retrace your footsteps
Before the wicked wind can blow it away
Her flowing tresses beckon you.
Her bewitching smile cast a net on you.

But Daddy we don’t need her.
Who says money makes the world go round?
All Fluff needs is a juicy bone
And I need something that money can’t buy...

Daddy don’t you worry,
We are happy with our Pocketful.
I swear, we are.
But Daddy,when will you be home?

Daddy- I miss you...

" Miss those days when you would take me out skating, & watch patiently when I fell every two minutes while the others smoothly whizzed by. Miss those days when you came back from work, tired & haggard and yet trained me in neighborhood parks, At the middle of nights, for upcoming Shot Put championships and Relay Races. Miss those days when I saw you happier than me, When I brought home medals. Miss those days when you bought me Chocolate Truffles To celebrate those little ups and downs in Life. Miss those days when you would call me up from work sheepishly And say you didn’t mean to scold me so harshly Miss those days when I would look starry eyed at you, while you told me that I can achieve anything I want, Even own a pretty Island of my own. Miss those days when you would teach me maths Even miss your characteristic tearing off my books &.. throwing it in the dustbin when I failed to solve the nasty sums. Miss those days when you would bring fish every morning And sweet talk the cook into serving it for breakfast! Miss those days when you would be scandalized by my dresses Yet tolerate it good humouredly. Miss those days when you would offer to take me out for a movie, to cheer me up,though you hated those 'unrealistic','silly' movies. Miss those days when you and me, would conjure up stormy fights While neighbors promptly closed their windows. Miss those days when you would snatch and lock away my favourite novels And I would hate you for a week. Miss those severe looks that you would give me, If I came home late in the night. Miss those worried looks that worried me When you felt I wasn’t studying. Miss that Big fight when you felt I was too young... to have a mobile phone. Miss those days when you would keep a sharp eye on my friends Advise me on my selection of friends And we would both end up at each others throats. Miss those days when I would make you repeat your days of struggle When you never had enough to eat & yet went ahead in life And I would silently cry at how Life had been hard on you. Miss those days when I threw a tantrum and wanted a pet dog And saw the look of horror on your face Miss those days when you overcame your dislike for wet doggie noses And learnt to love‘Fluff’coz you saw me kiss her doggie nose everyday. Miss you Daddy....

Swimming against the tide..all alone.

"
A childhood song best captures my mood right now,
A very famous Bengali song,
My favourite...
Gandhiji's favourite too.

It goes...'“Jadi Tor Dak Sune Keu Na Ashe Tobe Akla Cholo Re."
It simply means,"if no one comes forward, when you call for help,
walk ahead all by yourself and..
dont look back."


Beautiful song that never fails to boost up my crushed spirits,
especially when i see myself ...
equipped for battle,
all by myself.

So what if no one supports me in my war against prejudices?
So what if my friends prefer to remain mute by-standers?
So what if people shun me?
So what ??

For i know i am right,
i shall swim against the tide alone.
My cause shall win someday.
For i know i am right.

Cloaked behind words,
My Cause lurks half hidden.
Someday,it shall make its presence felt.
Someday...

Pondering...

" The Tsunami came & went. Newspapers overflowed with tidbits Newschannels spewed heartwrenching tales Editors regurgitated 'Tsunamic' articles. Pens gushed with 'Tsunamical' emotions Hearts melted for the orphans Homeless were assured homes. Rehabilitation centres mushroomed. But Nagapattinum hid a dirty secret. Dirty….dirty…dirty Dump Tsunami, pick up London blasts..My mind dictated. Join the mad rush. For London bombings are in vogue, baby Public memory is poor-my mind wickedly chuckled. write about ripe current issues, it sells. Why dig graves, unearth Tsunami details? Tsunami sells no more. The hearts have frozen. Pens have run out of ink. Newspapers mention it in a teeny weeny corner. But I have a secret to divulge. Even if Tsunami is dead & gone. Psst…there was discrimination based on caste. Ask the folks of Nagapattinum…. who slammed the doors on the face of SCs. Did media cover the plight of such hapless beings? Shunned away from rehabilitation centres, Deprived of basic amenities, They had no rights to make demands for food. Crushed & trampled......as always.

U can't shake hands with clenched fists...

"
The world -a looking glass
Look at it with peace & harmony.
A smiling reflection…
Sans conflicts, sans wars.

Utopia in the making?
Idealistic words that hold no water?
9/11
and now 7/7

reminder of discord
reminder of conflicts
reminder of clashes…
Man Vs Man

Imrana calls out for Justice....her lips are sealed but can u not read her eyes? 

Caught in a windstorm or a maelstrom? 

When Luv goes up in smoke...

A myraid hues of rainbow colors.. Emanate from the whispery strands of smoke.. that was once His love for me Well,there was fire,so there is smoke. No smoke,without fire.... A fire of passionate proportions, Once existed. A fire that lit His heart A fire that died young. A fire that conceived smoke. A smoke that was born premature. A smoke that replaced the fire. A fire that fizzled out A smoke that triumphed the end of a story.