An oxymoronic situation in my Life...I am caught in a Loveless Love...trapped in a world with Him.
He who never reciprocates ,He who ignores my beseeching gaze, He who neglects, He who deletes me from His mind most of the time, He whose life has no space for me, He who does not like to stay in touch, He who has other priorities in Life.
Crucified on the table of shattered expectations, the nails make me bleed everytime my heart surges with a maddening desire for Him.
Layer by layer , a rich alloy of Disappointment and sadness soldered firmly over my hopes, over me.
My heart went numb, my Lungs screamed for His love, for I had been mummified alive-the coating of unreciprocated love oxidized to a hard oval mustard colored cocoon like structure. My tomb?
Buried alive...buried in a graveyard where His love tripped, chocked on itself and died coughing to death.
An instantaneous death.The doctor would have declared-"A case of clinical death,no hope".
The dead, They say...can never be brought alive.So what am i waiting for??
Is this what I bargained for, on the the first day of the year, two years back, in the biting cold evening of January, when I coyly whispered ‘Yes’ into His ears aching to hear it for months?
Everytime, everytime...i am left stranded midway in the Ocean of Life, while He plunges into the choppy waters, promising me a day when we shall unite.
I cry out, my hands outstretched-‘Love, atleast leave behind the oars’ while He melts into the darkness. He did hear me, no illusions about that,for He has heard me a million times , calling Him back but He has an excuse ready like a bouquet of flowers which He presents me with flourish whenever He meets me. A smooth talker,a glib talker, He says He can never hear me call out to him,the turbulent waters drown my voice.
Oarless I drift aimlessly everytime .
Helpless,angry,bitter tears add value to the cocoonish shell-gooey,semi liquidy,amoebic and wraps around me perfectly, not an ounce of me shows through. I am engulfed by it completely . No skin show. No nudity.Coiled up like a foetus.
Claustrophobia sets in, I feel stifled, I feel lonely inside my Walled City. Trapped...trapped...trapped....in a love where the Lover plays hide and seek-with my feelings, with my emotions, with my time and worst of all-with my soul.
Hot tears skate down my cheeks with alacrity, for mine is an oval face, a face He had once loved for its perfect shape.
Caught in such a devilish enveloped trap, my hands are pinned down to the sides, unable to wipe away these signs of weakness as they flow incessantly .
Rage and pride clasp hands, indulge in a war dance & compel me to break free from the shackles which He had lovingly put around my ankles. Like anklets they adorned my feet, while I dragged my feet through Life...Others approached me, their hearts beating with love but backed out when they saw the heavy shackles that tied me to Him.
******* ********* *********** ************ *********** *******
Something within me cracks.....patience??
My arm thrusts powerfully out of the Loveless Cocoon that breaks with an egg shell like groan in protest.For i want to survive.
My lungs, devoid of love so long ,takes in a gulp of air gratefully....there’s a hint of love in the air...but it is not His...for His love died long back.
9 comments:
Should I say beautiful? No. I feel the sadness. And I know its not gonna make any difference to you even if I say have patience, and dont worry and that things will sort out themselves.
But I shall thank you for one thing - you might just have told something which I would not have wanted to hear - in my own world!
thepost speaks of spirit...nice..and why the heck is there one more comment deleted!!!!!!!!
thepost speaks of spirit...nice..and why the heck is there one more comment deleted!!!!!!!!
i've always believed in the antonymy n' assymetry of actuality that have a surreal co-existence.....death marked by birth....cactus accompanied with buds....the compromise roses have with its thorns......dryness surrounded with a lust to get drenched.....n' even claustrophobia surmounted with a lot of plentitude....pleasures lie burried deep within....waits only to be identified by you....every puberty acclaims an arrival though marked with wet nocturnal dreams..even pain is a delight if you know how to nurture your wounds.....claustrophobia demands sympathy...but from whom?.....moments don't last forever...but memories do.....but i plea on my knees to claustrophobia to have some sympathy for the amnesiacs who don't even have those dust of memories to consume...
Love, the much maligned cliche. Expect nothing.
ur pain is so much evident in ur words! i can only hope that u r rid of this debilitating feeling soon! these r things where no one in the whole wide world can do nething...only that one person who means the world to us can provide us salvation!
Squared-->There is melancholy in the air,sadness sprinkled on the lush grasses and yet i smile,for there is hope.
Avik-->Here's raising a toast to Better Days that are yet to make a debut.
Calvin-->Lemme clarify,since u've been perturbed by the deleted comments for quite some time.People who put in comments are given a free hand,as in-they can delete their own comments,if they want to.Hence,it is NOT me but the bloggers who delete their own comments,if they feel the need.
Hope no more bees in ur bonnet to trouble u.Next question please ;-)
Strangersinc-->As usual,i always fall short of words whenever i read you.
Chappan--> True but will the senseless heart listen?i think not.
Vidhi-->The pain will evaporate someday but who can stop it from leaving behind the scars?
oh man ! written with SO much passion!
I am speechless! I haven't read anything like this .. so much pain and so beautifully expressed... !! But one thing i'd like to say ... LET GO!
Absolutely great ..keep it going!
Post a Comment